Tell me why I hate Monday's

Today is Monday and I used to feel physically sick on the Sunday before which used to set in about 5pm and gradually got worse an impacted on sleep. I used to wake up after very little sleep and try and function. What will today bring already exhausted.

I'm starting to repair from those feelings but occasionally they do still creep in every now and then and last night was one of those nights. I woke at 02:56am after reliving an awful event in my working life after the dream I was in took me through the events frame by frame, but slower and more painful than the last episode.  I woke feeling sick, stressed, upset with the knowing you are still unable to do anything about the situation, that people should of listened sooner, that this shouldn't of happened, totally distressed with a feeling utter uselessness and despair, wet through and hardly able to breath.  So its going to be one of those nights.

Normally I would ruminate about the situation, the events and try to examine in my own mind what would of happened if this or that was different... But tonight was different, I was able to put into place a strategy I had learned whilst I was a patient with the Mental Health Crisis Team... I was able to imagine myself in a my safe warm place, listening to the waves break on the sand and rocks, I did some of the stretching exercises and relaxation breathing and found I soon drifted off, because the next time I woke was to Scott kissing me before he left for work this morning.

I haven't got anything planned to do today other than go down to my daughters later tonight, ready to spend the day with Thomas my grandson, while his mummy is at work. I had planned on going for a run/walk this afternoon but have picked up an injury from Saturdays Park Run - more about that later. I have a sore Achilles Tendon in my left leg and feel annoyed that I cant get out there today and complete another new years resolution run... so today the laptop is my best friend whilst I work out how to heal this injury, (treatment) so ice, rest and some magnesium rub and plenty of protein in the meantime to hopefully speed the process up.

On Saturday, I logged my first ever time at the first ever Blackpool Park Run  and got a brilliant time, better than I expected for an unfit, fat, overweight person, who has only started to run again in January 2017 after a twenty year break. It was really nice to be out and about and I know I was at the back (not last!) but it was my personal race and I am pleased with my 48:03 timed effort RESULTS. I'm happy I completed the route and the sun was shining, after I have been running I find a new clarity in my mind, brighter, more awake and more able to cope with my mental health, anxiety and lack of sleep. One thing that made me chuckle is a bloke walking his dog drinking his bottle of cider at 09:30am telling me I was over weight and that I needed to lose weight... no shit Sherlock!  Why do you think I'm doing this, says you piss head!!!!  The guys who where lapping me gave him what for too... arse hole!

None of the last few months would of been possible without my wing man, my rock, my husband and partner in crime Scotty. We went on a diet together and joined Slimming World where our friend Helen is the Consultant, Losing weight has now become a competition between us (yes we are competitive), and I'm already running six pounds lighter and with my best friend.

My head feels clearer already and my body is healing 🔁

I'm going to use these photos as my starting running and slimming world journey:-

 x2 laps

BREAKFAST

	Hovis Wholemeal Bread 400g	2 slices	HEb
	Milk 1% fat	300ml	HEa
	Marmite Yeast Extract Cup of Tea

LUNCH  -  Pastrami Salad

1 of Mayonnaise low fat/extra light 1 level tbsp 1 Syns
Pastrami FREE
Lettuce FREE
Tomatoes, fresh S FREE ...
Cucumber S FREE
Celery S FREE
Lemons, juice or zest S FREE
Peppers/Pimentos S FREE

Dinner	1 of Homemade Quiche - Eggs, ham, onion, mushroom, peas (no pastry)  FREE
	2 of The Laughing Cow Cheese Triangles with Cheddar, Light 3 syns
	Jacket Potatoes FREE

The Spector of Mental and Invisible Illness

I have hidden mental and invisible illnesses for a long time in my life, for so long that I cant really remember when it all started. Currently, I find it very difficult to talk to other people by word of mouth, go anywhere other than places that are imperative to me getting better (mixing socially). Yet, I can think about I want to say and write it down, hence the reason for this new blog. Maybe a little self therapy, or reflective time and or personal me time - who knows?

You all know the Tracy who loves early years education, supporting young people, those who work in the sector, my passion for children with additional needs and creating challenging learning environments for young people who really are struggling with their emotions, learning, unwanted behaviours. You also know the Tracy that loves the Royal Air Force, Air Cadets and all the things military. You all know the Tracy that can not sit still, is always doing something, studying, walking, crocheting, helping others, working on our house, my love of nature and as one of my friends terms it my "zoo".  Others know me as the mad cat lady or the person with two loopy spaniels or the tortoise lady or even that weird lady who goes round pick weeds with her basket. You all know I am very proud of my children, their achievements and quirkiness that they give to our world, my husband - my everything! Others know me as their friend, the one they have laughed, cried, drunk, eaten and got in trouble with.

But what you don't know is there is another Tracy and she has someone living in her head and her name is 'Me'.  Me stops me doing things because she niggles Tracy and makes Tracy think that she is stupid, lazy, a waste of time, moronic, thick, impulsive, petulant, emotional, vitriolic. I could list so many derogatory words here. 

You also do not know the Tracy who battles daily with sore joints, hips, lower back, shoulders, neck, elbows and wrists painful muscles that surround those joints. I get sore throats, colds and chest infections that leave me fatigued, before the next bout hits. 

Why do we hide these illnesses; are they a sign of weakness or its just one of those things that everyone gets from time to time, like chicken pox - you will be fine in a couple of days when the spots come out and dwindle away?

The way people deal with you when you are unwell makes the day better or worse. They become to
know its normal for you to be affected in the above ways and either accept you for you or walk away.

I battle daily with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, ptsd, bile salt malabsorption disorder and chronic fatigue - The battle I have had is to appear well!!!

If it wasn't for my husband, children and their partners, zoo, the coven (lol), close friends I would not be here because some days are the worst and others just about okay.

I am going to blog as and when I need to - why? as I said at the beginning self help, therapy, reflective time but most importantly to raise awareness - these conditions can affect anyone - take time to care for people!




http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/conditions/fibromyalgia.aspx

http://www.bile.org.uk/

http://www.mind.org.uk/